Let Me Love You: A Novel Page 12

  I place my palm on my chest. I can feel my heart beating again. I shouldn’t even ask myself these dumb questions. I know why I’m feeling like this. It’s because I like him too. Not as a friend, but as something more.

  Chapter 12

  ZAC

  Sudden Calamity

  It’s over, I tell myself. It should be over. She slammed the door in my face. If that’s not enough of an incentive to quit pestering her, then I don’t know what else is. I’ve got to think about my pride. Plus, there’s our family history. My brother killed her family in a car accident. We’re not meant to be together. We can’t be together. Plus, goddamn, I’m so young. There’s so much time to play around, so many girls to choose from. So why am I so serious about this girl? Why must my mind not listen to all of logical reasoning? Why must I feel so much pain when she says we should stop seeing each other?

  Why? Why? Why?

  I stare at Ivy’s house. My car is currently parked across the street. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I go in, or should I not?

  But what does it matter anyway? I’m already a stalker, just as she mentioned the night she slammed that door in my face.

  I look at the passenger seat where I brought another fruitcake. Moon loved that cake. The last time I went over, she was beside herself, sitting on my lap and eating the cake until Clare told her to stop. Now I’m thinking of offering that cake again, just to ask where Ivy is.

  Wanting to kick myself, I stop moaning and take action. What’s the point of dwelling when it’s not going to change anything if I don’t take action? Water won’t fill a glass until someone pours it, and food won’t cook itself until someone cooks it. The case applies to Ivy and me too. If I don’t ask, then I won’t know.

  Stepping out of the car, God must see how distraught I am because he saves me by sending Clare over to pick up the mail. One look at me and she shouts from across the gate.

  “Zac, hello!” She waves at me. “What are you doing hovering across the road? Come over here.”

  I take her advice and march across. I give her a forced smile.

  “What’s wrong?” she immediately asks, noticing my troubled face.

  If I had a sister, I would like someone like Clare. She seems to always understand my internal feelings.

  “I’m fine,” I tell her, breathing a heavy sigh.

  “Fine?” she quizzes, her eyebrows forming a frown. “Why the heavy breathing, then?”

  “I’m okay.” I try to smile, but it won’t reach my eyes.

  “Well, I’m sure you’ll be fine again when you have dinner. Nancy’s just making it now. Come on in,” Clare says and opens the gate for me.

  I stand back, still lingering on the footpath.

  Clare scolds me again. “Well, come on in. Don’t just linger on the footpath.”

  I remember what Ivy told me. Not to step foot inside her property again. I’m not going to disobey her and make her angry. I’m already suffering enough in my one-sided love for her already.

  “Ah…” I hesitate. “I’m only here to give this to Moon.” I hand her the fruitcake.

  Clare opens the plastic wrapper and her eyes light up. “Fruitcake.” Clare beams. “You know how much Moon adores you. She’s just come back from her sport activity and is feeling quite glum, so I’m sure this would perk her right up.”

  “Yes, I’m sure she’ll be happy,” I say, hesitating at the threshold. To deviate Clare’s mind from thinking I don’t want to come inside the house, I ask her instead, “Do you know where Ivy is?”

  “Why? You didn’t see her at school? I thought you two go to the same school?” She probes me with her own questions instead.

  How do I reply to her? I only scratch my head. “We do, but I didn’t see her today.”

  With that reply, Clare decides to tease me even more. “Oh… missing her already?”

  I only smile back, ignoring the burning heat on my face.

  “Well, if you want to know where she is, you better come in. I don’t want to talk by the gate, you know. It’s getting cold here.”

  The weather at this time of year isn’t that pleasant. The sharp wind is like a knife cutting into your skin. Some say the wind in Dunedin is so cold it’s like getting bitten. Since Clare was only supposed to come out to collect the mail, she didn’t wear enough clothing like me with my thick wooly jacket, thermal wear, and boots. Clare wears a flimsy shirt and cotton pants, not enough to keep that cold wind from biting her skin.

  I hesitate again.

  She looks at me with querying eyes, shaking a little to keep herself warm. “Why are you not coming in? It’s freezing here.”

  “Ivy doesn’t want me to visit here anymore, so I won’t go in. She might get angry.”

  I don’t expect Clare to laugh at my explanation, but she does. I can feel my cheeks growing hotter, despite that blasted wind blowing cold onto my face.

  “You two…” she says between her laughter. “You two act like boyfriend and girlfriend.”

  My cheeks grow even hotter still, and this time I feel the heat all the way down to my neck. If only it were true, I’d be very happy.

  “Don’t worry about Ivy,” Clare says after her giggles die down. “If she yells at you, tell me. I’ll tell her I was the one that invited you in. Come on.” Then she pauses, turns to me again, and winks at me. “Or you could just say you’re here to court my little Moon… or me? That would burst her blood vessels.”

  That has her bursting into another fit of giggles. Feeling the cold air seeping into her skin, she rubs her bare arms and leads me inside the house.

  I chuckle under my breath and follow her closely, feeling somewhat happy at Clare’s fun personality.

  We are mildly chatting away about how cold the weather is in Dunedin in winter when Nancy comes running out of the house, a look of panic on her face.

  “Clare! Clare!” She comes out crying erratically. “Moon, Moon, she’s fainted. I can’t get her to wake up.”

  Clare looks at me, a frightened expression on her face, then races inside to check on her daughter. I run after her.

  My heart is racing at a dangerous speed, but I try to calm myself down. In a situation like this, I can’t show I’m scared.

  “Moon, Moon, sweetheart, wake up,” Clare cries, already clinging to her unconscious daughter when I get inside.

  Moon is lying on the floor, her head tilted at an odd angle, her eyes closed and her breathing uneven. I don’t know what it is, but somehow I get this feeling it has something to do with her diabetic condition. For this, Moon will need medical attention as soon as possible. Without hesitation, I take my cell phone out of my pocket and immediately dial for an ambulance.

  Turning to the crying Clare, who minutes ago was laughing and enjoying a carefree conversation with me about New Zealand’s weather, a sudden sadness overtakes me. I want to help her in any way possible. Seeing Moon in an awkward position, I extract Clare’s fingers from her daughter and put Moon in the recovery position. I take the blanket from the couch and drape it over Moon, sitting down by her side, waiting for the ambulance to appear.

  Clare glances at me with tear-stained cheeks, wondering why I would do such a thing.

  “I’m sorry, Clare. I want to make sure she can breathe easily,” I tell her. I don’t explain anything else to her. She only nods, trusting my judgment.

  I supposed my first aid training from last year helps out a lot. When seeing a casualty fall unconscious, it’s always imperative to put them in the recovery position, to make sure their airway is open and if any vomiting were to occur, it won’t choke them.

  Once satisfied Moon is all settled comfortably, I turn my attention to Nancy.

  “Nancy, when did Moon faint?” I ask calmly.

  I can’t believe I’m this composed. Inside, I’m a crumpling mess.

  “A short moment ago,” Nancy answers, gripping her hands together, like Clare is doing now.

  “Did she have anything to eat?” I as
k again, moving my eyes from their clamped hands. I think if this has something to do with Moon’s diabetic condition. Then it must be something to do with her blood sugar level being too low. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be in this state.

  “I don’t know. I just picked her up from school. She’s been complaining that she was so tired after the sports. I was about to cook her something to eat, but when I came back, she’d fainted already.”

  All of us sit in the little lounge, with Moon on the floor. I sit to one side, watching all three Hamilton members. Clare is still crying openly, whereas Nancy sobs silently. The sight makes my heart break.

  “Moon will be fine. The ambulance will be here soon.”

  I’m not even sure why I say this, but maybe I just want to reassure them.

  Not five minutes later, the ambulance arrives, and Clare goes to accompany her daughter while I drive Nancy to the hospital.

  Nancy’s hand is shaking when she holds on to her bag. “We forgot to call Ivy, Zac. We forgot to call Ivy.” Even as she says this, her hands won’t stop shaking.

  Right now we’re on the highway, driving towards the hospital. It’s a fifteen-minute drive by car. I know Moon will be safe now that she’s under medical care, but my main concern is actually Nancy. She’s shaking so much it’s scaring me.

  I swerve the car so it ends up parked at an odd angle, then pull out my cellphone and dial Ivy’s number. Turning to Nancy, I reassure her that I will call her granddaughter so she won’t have to worry.

  “It’s okay, Nancy. I’m calling Ivy now. She’ll know. I’ll tell her to meet us at the hospital.” I try comforting her, but again, the shaking won’t stop.

  I hold her hand tight to stop her shaking. Once she calms down, I release my hold and turn my attention to the phone and pray to God Ivy will pick up on the first ring.

  The phone continues ringing. I grit my teeth with worry and turn to Nancy.

  Nancy only nods at me, her lips trembling, another set of fresh tears streaming down her wrinkled cheeks. I can’t help but place my hand on Nancy’s trembling one again. I give her hand another tight squeeze then, to reassure her, while I listen to the ringtone on the other end, waiting for Ivy to pick up.

  It’s so sad to see a seventy-five-year-old lady crying. Her silent tears really hurt me, and at that moment, I just want to hug her. I don’t get to act out my thoughts, though, because Ivy picks up the phone then.

  “Ivy, it’s Zac—” I hurriedly say, but she immediately cuts me off.

  “Zac, what are you doing calling my phone? I told you I don’t want to hear from you.”

  Damn! She cuts off the call.

  I grit my teeth and curse. I see Nancy and make my apology. “I’m sorry, but Ivy’s not picking up.”

  I try again. This time it takes her a bit longer to pick up.

  “What do you want, Zac?” she yells the second she picks up her phone again. “Didn’t I tell you not to interfere—”

  “Just be quiet for a second, Ivy,” I shout back, interrupting her midsentence. “Come to the hospital quick. Moon has fainted.”

  Chapter 13

  IVY

  The Beginning of Something New

  Oh God, please let Moon be okay, I pray, holding my phone tight against my chest. I’m in a taxi heading to Dunedin Hospital. Zac called just moments ago as Sam’s lesson was about to start. Moon has been admitted into hospital because of low blood glucose.

  I start blaming myself. Why didn’t I take good care of Moon? I should be the one to pick her up from school, not Gigi. I should be with Moon right now, not with Sam, teaching him algebra.

  As the taxi nears the hospital, I rush out. My heart is in my throat as I search for the receptionist. Just as I’m about to approach one, I hear my name being called.

  “Ivy!”

  I swivel around to see Zac.

  “This way.” Zac gestures, leading me to an elevator.

  I follow behind him, my steps fast. My face is pale and body is shaking. Zac holds on to my hand as we ride the elevator to the fifth floor, where the children’s ward is situated.

  If we were in a different situation, I would have flicked his hand away from mine already and told him off for holding my hand without my permission like this, but because I’m in this state, I ignore his handholding, focusing instead on reducing the trembling quake that has settled in my body.

  I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down, but my body just won’t stop shaking like a leaf in winter.

  “Don’t worry, Ivy.” Zac reassures me quietly, his hand gripping mine as if to comfort me further. “Moon’s been admitted in already. We should know the results soon.”

  I numbly nod. Those words are so kind that I suddenly find myself trembling even more. Zac seems to know my condition has worsened, and he immediately turns to me, his hand gripping mine tighter.

  “Ivy, what’s wrong. Tell me?” he asks, his tone very caring.

  “Zac. I can’t… I can’t…” I can’t speak. I can feel my legs caving in.

  What’s wrong with me? Why am I so weak? Why must I be like this in front of Zac? Why am I showing Zac my weak side?

  But Zac doesn’t seem to think like this.

  The elevator door dings open just as my body decides to collapse with fear. Zac catches me in time and leads me out to sit on a chair in the hallway.

  I feel lightheaded and my body feels like lead. My eyes frantically scatter everywhere, searching for something, for someone, but I can’t register anything. I feel sick. Fear, it’s fear that’s making me sick.

  “Ivy.” I hear my name being called.

  It’s Zac, but I don’t look at him. I’m too nervous, too scared of this whole situation. Instead, I try to calm my heart, but it continuously thumps, and now I feel myself about to break down.

  Zac tilts my chin up so I’m now facing him. He’s crouching on the floor in front of me. His face is on level with mine. Placing his hands on either of my cheeks, he draws me close and looks into my eyes.

  “Ivy, look at me,” he demands, though his voice is soft and gentle.

  I tear my gaze away from the floor and look into his emerald irises. They are light, a nice green color that sparks. A little tear escapes from the corner of my eye. And that’s when I do break down. I shake my head and collapse into his arms.

  “Zac. I’m a bad aunty,” I sob into his shoulder. “I didn’t look after Moon. It was my duty to look after her, but I wasn’t there for her.”

  Zac hugs me in return and pats me on the back. His fingers thread through my hair in an attempt to make me feel better. And in a way, I do feel a little better. I look up at him when he whispers softly in my ears.

  “It’s okay, Ivy. You didn’t do anything wrong. These things happen.”

  “But… but…” I shake my head, trying to find fault with myself. I’m wrong. I know I’m wrong, so why is he defending me? I should have been there when that happened, not some stranger like Zac. “I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most.” I correct him. “I should have been the one to call the ambulance.”

  “It’s okay,” Zac soothes me. I only sob harder as he pats me gently on my shoulder. “Just let it all out. But once you’re done, you have to be strong. You’re the strength of your family. Don’t let them see you being weak.”

  I only nod as more tears continue to stream. I’ve never been so afraid of losing someone before. Five years ago, when the accident took place, I was still young, but now I understand more. I’m a grownup now. I don’t want to experience anything dramatic like that ever again.

  When I calm down enough, I pull back. There’s a dark patch on the right shoulder of his shirt that has become visible when I lift my face away from his chest.

  Oh God, what have I done? I’ve destroyed his shirt. I have to buy him a new one.

  That’s what I’m thinking, but Zac, though, he’s oblivious to all this. He’s too focused on my distressed state at present to acknowledge the slobbery mess on h
is shirt. He simply brushes my last remaining tears off my cheeks.

  I close my eyes, relishing the feel of his thumb moving against my skin. All thoughts of buying Zac a new shirt fly out of my mind as my heart suddenly starts pounding. It’s a different kind of pounding than the one before. This one is a nice pounding sound, the pounding made via that small skin-to-skin contact between Zac’s fingertips and my cheeks.

  Oh, Zac. What are you doing to me? You’re trying to make it harder for me not to like you, not to befriend you.

  “Let’s go,” I hear Zac say. I open my eyes to see his hand fully extended in my direction.

  I look at his extended hand for a few seconds, not sure if I should take it. Taking it would signify we’re friends, but in reality, we are not. We were born as destined enemies. His brother is the one that killed my family. I should hate him. I should deny that hand.

  “Come on, Ivy. I’ll help you up.” With his gentle persuasion, he cuts through my last remaining shred of resistance. I take his extended hand, and he hoists me up. Hand in hand, we walk to meet Clare and Gigi.

  Clare and Gigi are seated in the family lounge of the children’s clinic; their worried faces are displayed fully for all to see. I rush up to them. When Clare sees me, she gets up and hugs me. She sobs loudly in my arms.

  “Ivy, Moon… I’m a bad mother,” she says in broken sentences. “I didn’t look after her. I should’ve taken care of her more.”

  “It’s okay. She’s in good care now.” I pat her back and realize I’m saying almost the exact same thing Zac said to me just moments before.

  I glance at Zac on the other side. He’s standing there awkwardly. I smile at him.

  Maybe Zac is right. I am the strength of this family. I shouldn’t act weak in front of them. If I do, who’s the standing pillar of the family? We’ll all be one crying, crumpling mess.

  Clare lets me go and slumps back in her chair, her eyes frantically scanning at the door every few seconds, waiting for the doctor to come out of the emergency room. I go to Gigi and hold her hands. She only nods at me and turns to look at the door too.